The effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) can last well into adulthood. So, how do you know your life is being affected by CEN? Is it the always wanting to please others, doing more for others, neglecting your own needs, and putting others before yourself? If you do not believe someone else could love you, why do they love me? Getting into abusive relationships and thinking it is real love, you were not taught what real love is, so how do you know what real love is? Believing love is doing what the other person wants, pleasing them, diminishing yourself and giving all of yourself to someone else without reciprocation. Wanting to be loved so much that you will seek love from the wrong places, and wanting to be looked after more than an equal and mistaking controlling behaviour as them caring for you. The list can be endless; it could be all of these or a few, but you have been emotionally neglected by your parents.
What happens in childhood shapes who you are, but it doesn’t mean you can’t challenge it. So, how can you help yourself? Acceptance that it was not your fault you weren’t loved enough; or your parents did not know how to love you emotionally. Acceptance that you can learn as an adult; not everything you learned in childhood is how your life is. You are in control of your life as an adult. These are all easy things to say, but recognising and changing your feelings about yourself is really hard, especially when they are ingrained in you from childhood. So, what does acceptance entail? It does not mean you must like what happened to you and forgive the people who treated you this way, (although this can help). It is about acknowledging that your early life was not as you wanted, but you don’t have to let it control your present or future life.
If you want a better future, it takes hard work to change the damage it has caused. It is not an easy journey, but one only you can take; this does not mean you will not be supported if you want, but the hard work is all you. Changing your perspective and rebuilding your self-esteem, confidence, and mindset. One of the positives of being neglected in this way is being independent, as you had to look after yourself to survive as a child; it gave you the power to rely on yourself and yourself only. This is a great quality, but can also be a curse, as you may struggle to accept help from others, when you need it. This can be challenged one step at a time, at your own pace.
Working with a counsellor can be a transformative experience. It's not about judgment but finally addressing the childhood that did not give you what you needed. Talking about it may not be easy, especially if you had to keep it a secret as a child. But having the freedom to speak your truth is incredibly empowering. A counsellor can help you heal the child within you and prevent your past experiences from controlling your present and future.
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